Well the site is back to it’s original design after having screwed it up over the weekend. Luckily Mitch had a backup of the CSS file and all was not lost. It did however take me for a serious doubt-trip. I can’t even modify a simple CSS file without fucking it up. I’ve been feeling like that quite a bit lately. Especially at work, trying to learn this new machine–and failing miserably. I’ve gotten 3 reprints so far, and it’s just got me discouraged. I feel like my intelligence has been slipping ever since I’ve gotten out of high school, and if there is one thing that pisses me off it’s something that makes me feel stupid–which machines are notorious for.
Which i think is why it’s so important for me to learn anything and everything about web design, I feel like if i can just learn this, I can feel not so stupid. But everytime I get a handle on one thing, two more step up to intimidate me. I learn HTML, i find out about CSS, i get a handle on CSS, I find out about JavaScript and PHP and MySQL and ColdFusion and DNS and FTP and it’s quite mind boggling wading through the veritable alphabet soup. And it’s all for nought really, since I could learn every single one of those silly acronyms–be certified genius with every one of them–but it doesn’t mean I can design a good looking website. ::Sigh::
Carleen asked me one morning why I never have any problems, my reaction to that was quite strong at the time, though i didn’t say anything, because it hit in such a way that I didn’t know how to respond. My response to that is two-fold. I do have problems but I tend to either hide them or suppress them. Which I don’t find to be too bad since most usually just go away on their own. Problems I do that with are generally problems at work. Work is work, when I’m at home I’m not at work and work problems stay at work. I try not to let home problems and work problems move from their respective worlds. If I allowed that to happen I would come home from work a steaming, fuming, cursing, asshole who nobody would want to be around. I have problems running ANY machine at work, does that mean I should bring that frustration home? No. At home I want to be away from those problems–home is my oasis from the world.
But also, I tend to have a care-free attiude towards life, which I feel is sort of a double-edged sword. I don’t feel i care enough. Sometimes I feel like a bit of a cold fish, seperate from the world, detached from any sense of belonging. With a very few exceptions, I could do without most other humanity. Hopefully those exceptions know who they are, if they don’t I have failed yet again.
If I meet you on the street I will give a bright smile and say “Hello” politely, but does that mean I’ll remember what you look like in 5 minutes? No. Even if you’re an exceptionally beautiful woman, by the time my mind registers your looks, it will be off on another tangent, thinking about one of the infinite projects I am constantly engaged in.
The plus to this is, I feel, the people I care about, the people I really care about, I care about with all the fiber of my being. Sometimes I may get too busy and might not show it as often as i should, but i do. And I think it’s a sincere friendship, nothing false, no facade, you get me, cause that’s all I have to give.
Anyway…my rant for the day.
-M
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